Bluebird Down

The pursuit of domestic bliss, one glorious debacle at a time.

Never Pass Up a Chance for Chick-fil-a September 7, 2010

Filed under: Cooking,Food — Teri @ 8:51 pm

I’m standing in the middle of my kitchen eating muscadine grapes as I stare at the open oven. A seemingly benign series of events have derailed my dinner plans. A putrid white smoke filled the kitchen just a moment ago. I had turned on the oven to roast asparagus for dinner. I had grand plans of also roasting potatoes and brussel sprouts for tomorrow’s lunch. But now everything is at a stand still until the smoke clear and my senses return.

It all started when I stayed home sick today. I didn’t sleep well last night and when I woke up I had a migraine and a fever. When I get sick I always assume it has something to do with my housekeeping abilities. If I had just been tidier, that germ wouldn’t have hitched a ride on my glass! My irrational thought turns into irrational behavior and I begin to clean. It truly doesn’t matter how sick I am either. At one point this afternoon, the curls behind my ears were bound tight by fever and determination. The kitchen is the usual recipient of my wrath. I cleared the counter and scrubbed my way to purification. I started at the end of the counter by the wine rack, moved past the sink, around the corner with the food processor and stand mixer [that still haven’t been used] and landed on the oven. I shined up the glass top and wiped down the microwave. I peered into the oven — not too bad, but could be better. Something could be growing in there. I read the directions on the Easy Off Oven Cleaner three times before I let loose the spray. I would do the two hour clean. I closed the door and promptly forgot about it for the next six hours.

I took another nap. I went to spin class in an ill-fated attempt to break my fever. [It really just made me more tired, more thirsty, more hungry.] I developed vegetable roasting plans. What I did not do was wipe the Easy Off out of the oven before cranking up the heat to 425. I was in the bedroom changing out of my gym clothes when I hear Pete! the Wonder Pup bark. Clearly, he’s been brushing up on his Lassie episodes because he was trying to tell me that the kitchen was filling up with a white fog. I still didn’t get it, so I stepped closer. My eyes stung. The smoke was billowing from the oven. I opened the door to see the white crust all over the walls and floor. Aw, crap. Once the oven cools, I should be able to chisel the toxic chemicals out of my oven. But maybe, just maybe, this was a sign that I should have stopped at Chick-fil-a when I had the chance.

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I’m the scourge of the neighborhood. September 6, 2010

Filed under: Destruction of Property,House Oddities,Yard Renovation — Teri @ 8:11 pm

Partners in Crime: Evil Prickly Bush and the WTF Juniper Bonsai Thing (surrounded by various dead things)

My neighbors eye my yard wearily. My grass is too high. My rose bush is overgrown. There is dead rosemary in the corner. The Evil Prickly Bush leers at me. [I swear that thing drinks blood instead of water.] Simply put, my yard is rough. I’ve wanted to rip up the yard since we bought the house last summer. Zef rolled his eyes and other projects diverted my attention, so Evil Prickly Bush and the WTF Juniper Bonsai Thing have enjoyed a stay of execution.

But it is time, my friends. All mercy has been exhausted.

People on my street take their yards very seriously. As I type, at least three lawn mowers are running and I can see one neighbor digging in her flower beds. It’s clear that Zef and I need to pick up our game. Zef, by the way, declared himself in charge of the yard. This was, I like to remind him, when we lived in a condo. He’s been deployed for most of our time in the house; therefore, he, too, gets a stay of execution — for now.

My living room floor is covered with old copies of Southern Living. I rip out photos of yards I like. The “dang, that looks like a lot of work” photos end up in trash pile with the subscription cards. I’ve been flipping through a gardening book from the 70’s that my mom had sitting on her bookshelf for ages. They were really into scary chemicals back then. I compare the merits of fescue grass seed against Bermuda grass. I calculate the environmental impact of fertilizing. I wander around Bell’s Seed and Owen Garden until I get a headache. Leave it to me to over analyze a flower.

It’s time to start digging and stop pondering. Next weekend.